As the lid broke its suction, a loud clunk hit the metal sink. A mass of congealed milk, four days old. The laundry towering so high that the washer is invisible to the naked eye. My 3 month old’s cries break my thoughts as he screams for a bottle. My 3 year old chiming in, just to make sure he’s heard. It’s another chaos filled Monday as the result of a weekend packed to the brim with fall activities. We have embraced every second of this fall weather, but alas, we pay for it when Monday morning hits.
I begrudgingly admit to myself that I brought this on myself and I need to keep moving. I rehearse in my head that I AM BLESSED. Momma’s all over would give anything to be in my place. My anxiety pushes my thoughts past guilt and into panic. Embrace every moment, they are only this little for so long, I think. So I push myself- managing cleaning, laundry, feeding, dishes, combatting tantrums and potty training. Meanwhile, playing Batman, giving hugs, and singing my heart out to Kids Bop. As if that isn’t enough, I must hit the town council meeting in the evening because there is a petition to put in a smelting plant 2-miles from our home and 1-mile from our Preschool. I never imagined moving to the country-side would require me to have to fight for clean air for my child. Of course, I never expected to have a child with asthma either.
When your child is diagnosed with asthma, they don’t call it asthma. They call it Reactive Airway Disease, or RAD. Here’s a link to learn more if the interest sparks.
A flare up usually starts with a common cold. Unlike most of the population, he can’t fight it off. His immune system seems defenseless to most illness. This results in us going to the pediatrician and being prescribed steroids. Have you had a child on steroids? It’s horrible. Common side effects for our F include uncontrollable hitting, screaming, biting, and an emotional rollercoaster.
It could be worse, right?
We tell ourselves this each time we are prescribed a steroid.
Our kid could be in Riley. We could be without proper medical care. We could be dealing with so much worse. BUT it still hits hard, right at the core of our day to day lives.
From the first cold of winter, each subsequent illness is like a tidal wave hitting until finally when spring begins it’s like we are emerging from our home similar to bears from a cave. Desperate for friendship and socialization after being deprived of community all winter long.
We pray this year is different, we pray this day is different. Yet today F started to display bumps on his hands and legs. With a call to the pediatrician, it appears to be hand-foot-and-mouth disease. Another hit after just getting over a cold. BAM. It’s like a fist in the gut. No preschool this week, despite the fact we will continue to pay for it. No fall fun for the weekend. We had festival, bonfire, and family photos planned. This will all be set aside.
I want to be clear, this is sad and raw, but I don’t want your pity. I tell this to you to make a bigger point. I ask that you take a look at the dark parts of your life, those that most don’t see, like our constant fight with illness, and look at it from someone else’s eyes.
WE ARE SO BLESSED.
Each and every day is a blessing. If you need to, start out each morning and think to yourself. I am alive, I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back, food on my plate.
I AM BLESSED.
Don’t be like me and let the those dark thoughts overpower your many blessings. God gives us so many gifts. Yet, we are so are so focused on the problems, we often forget to place our eyes on the good things.
My child does have asthma, but he also has the biggest sense of humor I have ever seen in a 3-year-old. Past a month old, he has yet to be under the 80th percentile on all growth charts. He’s wicked smart and will challenge anyone if they are being mean or unkind. He’s brave and strong and handsome and so much more than his diagnosis. Yes, this winter will likely be hard. However, it will be filled with so much more love, joy, and laughter than any illness can take away. You are more than your problems, your insecurities, your anxiety, depression, or whatever else you are dealing with. Make a list of your blessings that you can look back on when those bad days.overtake you, because they will. Have a friend/spouse keep you accountable when you are telling yourself that the world is a dark and miserable place. It’s not.
THOSE ARE LIES.
Those lies only attempt to steal your joy.
Thanks for listening.
Side note: Depression and anxiety often require treatment from an M.D. These are simply words to inspire you and should not be replaced with proper medica care. If you need medical help, please seek it.
Here’s a resource if you need help. https://adaa.org/understanding-anxiety/depression
Trading The Dream For Wander 